Oh how I love riding in the rain...

I was riding home from work yesterday, feeling the joy that comes with being on the bike, rain running down my visor, splashing through puddles.  Why?  Why do I love riding in the rain so much?

I think I feel so connected to the world, but still a little apart.  I love seeing the rain, smelling it, and feeling the cool breeze, while I'm cozy and protected by my visor, my heat, my thermal lining. But I'm still there, I'm still in it.

My mind wandered... it reminded me of the years I spent working in the criminal justice system.  I'd never
been around substance abuse, I'd never been involved with the law outside of a couple of tickets, and I'd never even supported a family member dealing with those challenges. But, when I was there, I connected with the core of people.  I understood their struggle, their lives made sense to me.  I never tried to change any of my clients, but strove every single day to give them one positive contact with the system.  Because sometimes, one positive contact is all it takes for a minor course correction.

View through my visor

It reminded me of times I'd made big life changes, taking the plunge into a new situation, a new state, a new social group.  That feeling of being part of, but apart from.

My mind wandered again to when I started riding a motorcycle.  I remember because I was, honestly, quite the terrible rider, feeling like a fraud as I waved to other riders.  Feeling a part of that world, but outside of it.
And then I thought about all of the people in this world who are in it, but don't feel a part of it at all.  Perhaps they are a cultural minority, or perhaps they are homeless.  I thought about stories I've heard of being completely invisible when you are in a wheel chair.  Perhaps someone's mental health keeps them from fully connecting to themselves or others, they simply hold on to an existence in this world, without feeling a part of it.


It reminded me of the recent influx of veterans I've seen in my work; people who returned from Vietnam, and were made unwelcome where they belonged; people who were shunned when they needed love.  People whose daymares and nightmares are as real as the screen I type on before me. People who find love but struggle to hold onto connection, their very understandable fears holding the ones they want close at a distance.

It reminded me of people who have been through other traumas, who don't understand why their anxiety lingers, interfering at inconvenient moments.  And people with persistent pain, who struggle to be in this moment, because this moment is so very physically uncomfortable.  And people who wish they didn't feel they had to be here on this earth any more; people who believe there is a promise of peace and ease in the next world.

I looked through the rain, tapping on my visor, feeling so very grateful to feel connected.  Moving through time and space in a way I loved.  Knowing a loving partner was waiting for me at home, with a wiggly little puppy who was going to need a lot of kisses.  Adoring my two daughters who are striving to live their best life, make great decisions, and have adventures that are meaningful to them.  That my parents wait for my motorcycle stories with mixed emotions; joy that I love it so much, and fear about all the things that could go wrong.  Feeling connected, really connected to great friends.  In this world, we are ultimately alone, but because everyone else is too, we are sublimely connected.

Why I loved Inside Out

Inside Out.... While it's a rare movie I can't wait to see, from the moment I saw the preview for Inside Out, I couldn't wait for its release. I was not disappointed; I laughed and cried and laughed and cried. My therapist heart sang.... Finally! As a society, we can talk about feelings! And in a fairly intelligent way! Our personality being made of distinct islands (tendencys) formed and colored by core memories? I'm on board with that. That memories are changed by the current context? Neurobiology says yes. While we sleep, our brain is discarding unused information to become more effecient? Excellent personification of a process we don't completely understand yet.

So what happens in this movie? I've seen an occassional review that complains 'nothing.' I suppose at its most basic level, the plot line is that a girl moves to San Francisco when her dad gets a job transfer. But rather than the plot, I see that as the setting in which the real story unfolds.

The real plot asks us 'what makes us human? What are our feelings? How do we develop emotionally? What is the meaning of family? Of struggle? Of change?  What is the difference between saddness and depression? What are the protective factors and risk factors for an emotion shifting into something beyond our coping skills?'

I suppose if you are looking for Hollywood's epic adventures with sex, violence, and explosions, this may not be the movie for you. And if you are expecting the movie industry to have resolved its gender, racial, and class biases all in one movie, it's not quite there.

However, Inside Out gives us all a way to conceptualize our sense of self in a way that is more complex than our standard conversations about self. "What do you do for work? What do you do for fun? Weather, politics, sports talk, blah, blah, blah..." These fall back topics are not who we are.  This movie tackles how our memories affect both our current feeling, our mood, and our overarching sense of self.  This movie gives us a picture of how our that process is recripocal; whichever feeling is at the control panel can influence our perception of that memory. And this movie challenges the platitude 'don't be sad. You have so much to be happy about.' This movie shows us that our saddness (and the complexity of our emotional experience) is what lets us experience empathy, lets us sit alongside those who are struggling and to wittness their pain, and through that experience, gives them the ability to manage their emotions and continue moving forward.

And the movie captures all of this and more in scene after relatable scene. This movie connects us to our process of maturing, moving away from pure simplistic emotions, and to our understanding that most situations present mixed emotions, and that we have power over which parts of those experiences we focus on. This movie tackles expectations, and how they can get us into trouble. This movie tackles resiliance, and how in our early years, our family helps us form our resilience. And this movie tackles how it is the challenges in life that help us to grow into more fully developed individuals. This movie even lets parents off the hook to a healthy degree. The good foundation built by loving parents leaves a lot of room for missteps and mistakes, and those mistakes leave space to deepen the parent child bond.

Do I understand the critics frusturated with the lack of social progress displayed in our media? Sure. But to have a movie that gives us a language to talk about our feelings, memories, depression, family, core experiences, subconscious, dreams, empathy, and the formation of self being dependent on both our experiences and our perception and interpretation of those experiences for me overshadows the pieces Pixar missed the mark on. I hope that in the discussions I have, those other cultural elements will figure in and help me to better understand other people's experiences. But that will only add to the wonder that is Inside Out.

This blog will now return to your previously identified topic of motorcycles. Please forgive this interruption.

2014...

At the beginning of last year, I had a strange thing happen.  For the last 5 or so years of my life, I have organized myself around achieving a professional goal of becoming a LMHC (Licensed Mental Health Professional) and a CDP (Chemical Dependency Professional.)  There has been lots of living in those five years as well, but of all the things in this world that there were to do, my professional goals remained in full focus.  As of late January, 2013, I had achieved both of those. I became a girl looking for direction.  Or joyful in the lack of it. I knew eventually I would develop a new driving force, but I felt a bit like a boat in the sea without an anchor, or a butterfly free of it's cocoon.

I still wanted to be a good mom to my daughter, helping her achieve her high school goals.  I wanted to be a good partner to my boyfriend, who I adored.  I had just gotten back on my dirtbike, after finally taking some time off to heal from an injury (a post I haven't yet written), and wanted to improve my skill on that.  I was loosely looking at a new job.  

As is always true in life, changes were brewing.  My boyfriend proposed. (I said yes!) I got the new job.  And I set my heart on doing a poker run.  As a new fiancee, I wanted to figure out what that meant, how to be a fiancee, to really take some time to focus on my self and my relationship, to understand what marriage meant to me, especially as it was a second marriage.  No wedding plan flurry, I just wanted to slow life down for a bit.  Professionally, there was a bit of a flurry, getting on insurance panels and talking with my beloved employer about a slow transition to my new job. And my daughter is an active participant in robotics and music, which kept many evenings full.  I also reexamined my role as a soon to be step mom to my fiancees daughter.  She and I had developed a close friendship over the past year.  We visit her every other weekend, and spent many weekends outside skiing and exploring the woods on our off road vehicles.  

The second half of the year has created a gentle rhythm, no longer newly engaged, feeling settled in the new job, our daughters senior years and eighth grade years progressing nicely.  Somewhere in there, I set my heart on a street bike.  I bought a REALLY old Ninja 250, but no amount of tinkering without significant investment was going to get it running well enough for me to learn to ride.  (If you've read the other blog entries, you'll understand that I have enough challenges with riding without an engine idling high and sending me right off the road!)  So, I resigned myself to this being a someday dream, selling that old Ninja, and simply pursuing my dirt bike riding.  The very next day, my fiancee bought me a white 2011 Ninja 250 in beautiful condition.  An early birthday and Christmas present!  (for the next three years!)  

Which shifted my goals for the year.  It was October, and a poker run had yet to fit into our every other weekend schedule in two different cities.  Instead, I set my sights on learning to ride my Ninja, and working toward my Motorcycle endorsement.

Which brings me to the beginning of 2014.  What are my goals for this year?  Well, this weekend I'm testing for my motorcycle endorsement.  In May, we are planning a lovely and simple wedding on the Hood Canal.  Following that, we want to have a two week adventure on our motorcycles down the Pacific Coast Highway.  In June, our daughters will graduate from their respective schools.  In August, my daughter will head off to her first year of college.  Following that, we have houses to sell, jobs to find, and a move to make to be closer to my step-daughter.  I'd like to do some group rides on the street, and I'd still like to complete that Poker Run goal from last year.  Resolutions? No.  But this year, life is presenting plenty of goals to accomplish, and I'm tossing in a few fun ones.