Sometimes, it seems people are apprehensive about hanging out with a therapist. Sometimes, I wonder if anyone really knows what I do. I also find that people wonder what the outside perspective of a therapist can bring to the table. Today, I was struck with a parallel I just had to write about.
In reading responses to yesterday's blog, my hubby came up with a theory:
Nathan Fant If I were to guess, you probably got going too slowly and the back tire slid down the camber of the turn. In order for momentum to overcome the tiny amount of friction available to keep your wheels in line you have to go fast enough for friction to overcome the pull of gravity. In this case, gravity pulled your back tire downhill more than the front due to the differences in friction between the two tires.
Nathan Fant To summarize, if you don't remember hitting the brakes, you probably didn't. It's more likely you were going slow enough for the back tire to lose grip on the ice and cause the front and rear tires to be rapidly out of alignment. More practice sliding the back tire and steering into the skid as well as looking down the trail/road and going a little faster are needed.What it brings to mind is the difference, for me, between self help and therapy. I don't hold that one is better than the other, just that the process can be quite different.
Using this for my example, I have read a lot about riding a motorcycle. And taken classes. And watched videos. I watch and analyze good riding, hoping to increase my skills, and sometimes I analyze crashes, to figure out what went wrong. Most of this falls into the 'self help' category. Incredibly useful for my growth.
But in this process, I am only working within the limits of my learning. This is where a trained and somewhat objective observer can be helpful. In this scenario, it was my husband, but in therapy, it's the therapist who is outside of the situation, offering a fresh perspective to help you grow.
(The example below is entirely fictional.)
In self help, a person may discover that as a middle child, they often tried to keep peace in the family. Post holidays, this adult child may come into therapy, disappointed in how their holiday unfolded; despite their best efforts, they couldn't get everyone together at the same time, and their older and younger sister ended up angry at each other. This well informed person may have examined their peace keeping patterns, and drawn the conclusion that this pattern again inflicted their holiday happiness. This person may gloss over the details in therapy, wanting to get to the heart of the issue 'how do I stop trying to make everyone happy, and enjoy my holiday?' This is the logical conclusion... The lasting discontent could very well be frusturation at recognizing this long standing pattern. Yet the therapist is curious; this discontent doesn't have the same flavor they have explored in the past. What else is going on? When did the discontent start? As the client talks, they hold their stomach. The therapist asks them to stop, breathe, and focus mindfully on what is going on in the clients body. The client bursts into tears. She and her husband had been trying to have a baby, and in the middle of all of the holiday prep, found out their recent try was unsuccessful. They chose not to tell the family, and barely had time to comfort each other in the hub bub. Once the tears have subsided the therapist can reflect the situation back to the client. The client can clarify and make sure they are seeing the situation in the same way, perhaps probing other details coming to play in the bigger feelings. Once shared, the therapist may ask the client the underlying need, how she can ask her partner or family for something different, or how she'd like to continue to process her grief. There's no one way to proceed, it's the process of building the shared experience that provides the guidance.
Self help and self teaching can be wonderful tools, but sometimes an outside perspective can provide a different lens. With that different lens, a deeper knowledge of self can be reached, and perhaps new behaviors are chosen.
In reading my husband's response to my blog, I was struck by the usefulness of the perspective of the person not on the motorcycle. I often get hung up on the fact that I want my felt experience to be understood, and in his comments he showed me that he heard me; and offered a fresh lens to view my experience through, hopefully leading to a productive new behavior in the future. Not only is he my partner, best friend, co parent, and mechanic, he's also my Moto-therapist. ;-)
Good night everybody... Another blog post is already percolating...
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