Deeper reflection...

Sometimes, it seems people are apprehensive about hanging out with a therapist. Sometimes, I wonder if anyone really knows what I do.  I also find that people wonder what the outside perspective of a therapist can bring to the table. Today, I was struck with a parallel I just had to write about.

In reading responses to yesterday's blog, my hubby came up with a theory:

Nathan Fant If I were to guess, you probably got going too slowly and the back tire slid down the camber of the turn. In order for momentum to overcome the tiny amount of friction available to keep your wheels in line you have to go fast enough for friction to overcome the pull of gravity. In this case, gravity pulled your back tire downhill more than the front due to the differences in friction between the two tires.

Nathan Fant To summarize, if you don't remember hitting the brakes, you probably didn't. It's more likely you were going slow enough for the back tire to lose grip on the ice and cause the front and rear tires to be rapidly out of alignment. More practice sliding the back tire and steering into the skid as well as looking down the trail/road and going a little faster are needed.What it brings to mind is the difference, for me, between self help and therapy. I don't hold that one is better than the other, just that the process can be quite different.

Using this for my example, I have read a lot about riding a motorcycle. And taken classes. And watched videos. I watch and analyze good riding, hoping to increase my skills, and sometimes I analyze crashes, to figure out what went wrong. Most of this falls into the 'self help' category. Incredibly useful for my growth.

But in this process, I am only working within the limits of my learning. This is where a trained and somewhat objective observer can be helpful. In this scenario, it was my husband, but in therapy, it's the therapist who is outside of the situation, offering a fresh perspective to help you grow.

(The example below is entirely fictional.) 

In self help, a person may discover that as a middle child, they often tried to keep peace in the family. Post holidays, this adult child may come into therapy, disappointed in how their holiday unfolded; despite their best efforts, they couldn't get everyone together at the same time, and their older and younger sister ended up angry at each other. This well informed person may have examined their peace keeping patterns, and drawn the conclusion that this pattern again inflicted their holiday happiness. This person may gloss over the details in therapy, wanting to get to the heart of the issue 'how do I stop trying to make everyone happy, and enjoy my holiday?' This is the logical conclusion... The lasting discontent could very well be frusturation at recognizing this long standing pattern. Yet the therapist is curious; this discontent doesn't have the same flavor they have explored in the past. What else is going on? When did the discontent start? As the client talks, they hold their stomach. The therapist asks them to stop, breathe, and focus mindfully on what is going on in the clients body. The client bursts into tears. She and her husband had been trying to have a baby, and in the middle of all of the holiday prep, found out their recent try was unsuccessful. They chose not to tell the family, and barely had time to comfort each other in the hub bub. Once the tears have subsided the therapist can reflect the situation back to the client. The client can clarify and make sure they are seeing the situation in the same way, perhaps probing other details coming to play in the bigger feelings. Once shared, the therapist may ask the client the underlying need, how she can ask her partner or family for something different, or how she'd like to continue to process her grief. There's no one way to proceed, it's the process of building the shared experience that provides the guidance.

Self help and self teaching can be wonderful tools, but sometimes an outside perspective can provide a different lens. With that different lens, a deeper knowledge of self can be reached, and perhaps new behaviors are chosen.

In reading my husband's response to my blog, I was struck by the usefulness of the perspective of the person not on the motorcycle. I often get hung up on the fact that I want my felt experience to be understood, and in his comments he showed me that he heard me; and offered a fresh lens to view my experience through, hopefully leading to a productive new behavior in the future. Not only is he my partner, best friend, co parent, and  mechanic, he's also my Moto-therapist.  ;-)

Good night everybody... Another blog post is already percolating...

making the unconscious conscious, and other lessons....

Yesterday, we set out to explore some gravel roads we'd heard about from our friend.  We were accompanied by said friend and his partner, and started the day with a warm breakfast and lots of laughter.  Which has nothing to do with the point of this blog, but set the tone for the day.  We set out on familiar roads, becoming more and more rural as we headed toward skyline blvd.  As we rose in elevation, there were little bits of snow sparkling in the grass by the road.  Pretty.  As we continued to ride, the little bits of snow turned into reasonable piles of snow, especially for Oregon.  We continued, the roads were mostly dry from the past few days of cold sun and local traffic. We finally arrived at our first gravel road.  I had a bit of trepidation; I've encountered bits of ice on the road before, and instinctively stood up, let the bike do it's thing, didn't touch the gas or the breaks, and planned my next move while in motion.  I've also had some challenges getting used to the BMW as an off road motorcycle, though each trip seems to be getting progressively better.  The first times I off roaded it, I would get so nervous my hands would shake.  The last time was quite successful, so I wasn't nervous going into this ride, but aware that those feelings have been around in the past.  The gravel road was 75% clear, 25% patches of ice.  Interesting, still no anxiety or fear.  Ok, let's do this.  I said out loud, No Front Brake.  I've gotten into trouble jamming on the front brake too hard in the past.  I know how to ride, but sometimes my feelings get in the way of my knowledge.  If I remind myself, it puts into my conscious awareness the correct way to off road.  We went down that road until it ended, and turned around.  So far so good!  We stopped on the way back to play in the snow and take pictures.  Lots of fun!  We decided to continue to head to another gravel road.  Challenge level rose... More shade, more curves, more ice.  But, at the end of this gravel road, a jeep trail beckoned, so down we went.  It was actually a lot of fun.  Some nervous moments, but really, it was becoming just plain fun. In the back of my mind, as we went up the curves, I remember thinking "eventually, we may have to come down this" but hope lingered that we'd just continue on and not have to come back. Denial is my friend. We made it to the jeep trail, and Nathan did some scouting... The Jeep trail was quite slick, so we decided to turn around.  Coming back, things got interesting.  The corner where the thought occurred to me on the way up approached; We all stopped.  Nathan offered to ride my bike, but my stubborn streak reared its head.  I watched Nathan do it, I watched Tim do it with a passenger,  I could do it too, darn it.  I started out... so far so good; barely at the balance point, but I didn't have to worry about the bike getting slower going down hill on ice, I just needed to let it coast.  Suddenly, without even thinking about it, I had picked up a small amount of speed.  I don't remember doing it, but I must have just tapped my rear brake.  The rear tire, which had been so nicely in line with the front tire, started to slide downhill, and the bike started to tip.  This seemed to be happening in slow motion... there was a bit of screaming happening (that was me) and in the intercom Daphnie says "Kris is down" and hops off the back of Tim's bike. I let everyone know I'm fine, and consider trying to pick my bike up, but I can't even stand to the side of my bike, the hill is so slippery.  Nathan got it up, and coasted it downhill for me.  I watched him, and knew that was what I'd meant to do!  We discovered a bent shift level, an easy fix.  We met a fellow adventure rider, who said the road on the other side of the mountain was in better shape, so we rode that road too, before heading back to pavement for lunch.

The lesson here is a new flavor for an old dish; I've now had a muscle memory experience of what it's like to hit the rear brakes unconsciously. It ended up being an injury free and low cost learning experience.  Because so much of personal growth depends on making the unconscious conscious.  I have a colleague and friend who used to say "I don't think we ever get rid of our 'stuff'', we just get better at dealing with it.'  I think that's true; motorsports may never come as naturally to me as some of my other skills, but as long as I continue to be willing to delve into my unconscious fears and automatic reactions, my progress continues. And my progress is very important to me.  I fantasize about riding in an undeveloped country with minimal developed roads, or doing a backroads discovery tour.  I am committed to my learning and building my skills.

The other awesome take away from yesterday is that I'm starting to have fun on my adventure bike.  With each ride, I conquer something new; it's not the terrain or the bike that is the problem, it is the internal questions about my own capabilities.  With more experience is coming more confidence, and the inner doubts are quieting.  The more success I have, the more I want to do.  And the more I want to do, the more opportunity will manifest.  I'm delighted to be having more fun.  And, I'm also delighted to be have this opportunity for personal growth; I've never had anything challenge me as much as motorcycles, but I've also never done anything that has really developed my present moment awareness, tapped into my sense of adventure, and given me the deep pleasure and passion that motorcycling has given me.